summer

Sorry I've been so out of touch this summer. I'm trying to find words at the moment to explain my past few months. However the words interesting, difficult, and a waiting process are the three that come to mind.

Interesting because I never have a clue as to what my day is going to look like. SOMETIMES I'll plan a lunch date in advance, but most of the time I'm waking up, looking around and asking myself what I am going to do today. So, instead of calling my summer boring, I'd like to say it's been interesting. Interesting because I'm living my days opposite of what I'd normally appreciate them to be. I'm learning to embrace these days, and I've become creative in the different ways to make my days less repetitive. Therefore, my days have been interesting.

Difficult because I have wondered all summer why in the world I am where I am. To be completely honest, I've been confused by the Lord's plans. My flesh has been pushing against the truth of the Lord's sovereignty and His faithfulness. My flesh has been pulling for life to be about me and what I want and what I think should happen. However, I've had the difficult task of swallowing my pride and grasping the hard love of the Father, in stating that He is in control and that He does have me exactly where He wants me. I trust that. I hope you trust where He has you as well.

Waiting process because I still have no job. I am currently in the process of looking for a job, however it has been a slow one. I have learned though, that the process is what the Lord loves to watch us go through. THAT is ultimately what He cares about. Through the process, we are strengthened in our faith and we are pulled away from our old selves more and more. If that is what it means to be in a waiting process, then so be it. I long for Him to have the glory from this process no matter where it is that I end up.

"Some trust in chariots, and some in horses,

but we trust in the name of the Lord our God.

They collapse and fall,

but we rise and stand upright."

Psalm 20:7,8

encouraged.

"I know, O Lord, that the way of man is not in himself,

that it is not in man who walks to direct his steps."

Jeremiah 10: 23

Still clueless as to what my job and income will be starting next month. It's a little hard to swallow that I will be living with my parents again at the age of 24 with no knowledge of how long I'll have to be there. This reality has taken me in many different thoughts of frustration and questioning my own ears as well as the Lord's. If you were to read my journal, you'd see many exclamation points and question marks...

 "Are you listening?" 

"Can you hear me?" 

"Talk to me!"

"Do not hide yourself!"

Ha. Who am I to question if the omnipresent God is listening to me? However, I am continually coming back to my knees, eyes up, hands lifted acknowledging who He is and who I am not. It's the only place that makes sense. And in that place, there is overwhelming awe of His power and glory. I read this and am reminded that He is above and beyond anything I need. 

"There is none like you, O Lord;

you are great, and your name is 

great in might. 

Who would not fear you, O King

of the nations? 

For this is your due;

for among all the wise ones of the

nations

and in all their kingdoms

there is non like you...

But the Lord is the true God;

he is the living God and 

the everlasting King.

At his wrath the earth quakes,

and the nations cannot endure

his indignation...

It is he who made the earth by

his power,

who established the world by 

his wisdom, 

and by his understanding

stretched out the heavens. 

When he utters his voice, there is 

tumult of waters in the 

heavens,

and he makes the mist rise from the 

ends of the earth. 

He makes lightning for the rain,

and he brings forth the wind

from his storehouses."

Jeremiah 10: 6 - 13

being known.

Yesterday was a day just for me and Jesus. We hung out all day in my room. We played music and sang, we watched a movie or two, we read about Him, we laughed out loud and we talked intimately with each other. It was a day dedicated to learning about the other. There is something built inside of all of us to be known, to have someone fully and deeply know everything about us. We long for that, I long for that. Soon, my understanding of this grew yesterday as I read a section of the book "Knowing God" by J.I. Packer. It brought me to tears, and of course have to share it with you. 

"What matters supremely...is not... the fact that I know God, but the larger fact which underlies it - the fact that he knows me. I am graven on the palms of his hands. I am never out of his mind. All my knowledge of him depends on his sustained intiative in knowing me. I know him because he first knew me, and continues to know me. He knows me as a friend, one who loves me; and there is no moment when his eye is off of me, or his attention distracted from me, and no moment, therefore, when his care falters. 

This is momentous knowledge. There is unspeakable comfort - the sort of comfort that energizes, be it said, not enervates - in knowing that God is constantly taking knowledge of me in love and watching over me for my good. There is tremendous relief in knowing that his love to me is utterly realistic, based at every point on prior knowledge of the worst about me, so that no discovery can now disillusion him about me, in the way I am so often disillusioned about myself, and quench his determination to bless me. 

There is, certainly, great cause for humility in the thought that he sees all the twisted things about me that my fellow humans do not see (and I am glad!), and he sees more corruption in me than that which I see in myself, (which, in all conscience, is enough). There is however, equally great incentive to worship and love God in the thought that, for some unfathomable reason, he wants me as his friend, and desires to be my friend, and has given his Son to die for me in order to realize this purpose. We cannot work these thoughts out here, but merely mention them is enough to show how much it means to know not merely that we know God, but that he knows us."

Enough said, right?

I am known by God. It's a truth so hard to fully understand and acknowledge, however, so important to receive. 

fathers and daughters

The other day, a friend and I were walking and talking about life. In the midst of conversation, we passed a father and his daughter on the sidewalk. She was maybe 3 years old, with bike in hand and dad was walking very slowly behind her with a huge grin on his face which screamed love and adoration for this girl. We passed with a "hello" and both commented on her amazing biking skills with which she replied with a "I bike". Needless to say, a pocket of tears welled up in each set of eyes from us. The funny thing is, what the world would call biking - feet on peddles and rotating them to make the wheels actually turn and move you forward - was not how she was biking. Feet were on the ground, and bike was pulled up half way off of the ground. Her dad couldn't be any more proud and was perfectly content to walk behind her at a extremely turtle-like pace. He was content to just be spending time with her. 

Immediately, Malorie and I discuss how often that is like us with the heavenly Father. There are many moments when we are like that daughter. We sometimes are doing our own thing in our own way. However, the heavenly Father doesn't abandon us, He walks with us, knowing that eventually in time we will realize that it is much easier to get on and ride. But, until then, He will smile a huge smile of a proud Father, no matter what. 

"As a shepherd looks after his

scattered flock when he is

with them, so will 

I look after my sheep..."

Ezekiel 34:12